Stories this week include:
- Spurned jockey covers ex-girlfriend's car in horse manure.
- Gang of burglars dressed as landscape gardeners target homes.
- Locals call news story about cat barred from pub 'cat-astrophic'.
- Fire brigade defends seagull rescue by making outlandish claim that 'highly evolved' bird dialled 999.
Also revealed: Alex's paranormal celebrity sighting.